Author: Benjamin C. Roy Cory Garrett Rev History Rev .00 - 01/07/2008 Rev. 01 - 08/06/2013 Rev .02 - 03/27/2014 Rev .03 - 03/07/2022
I write these words in the book of truth…
I am a liar.
I have lied to you.
I have lied to my mother.
I have lied to children and I have lied to women I have loved with all my heart.
I always lie to the men. I do not trust them enough not to.
Admitting that I lie won’t make the guilt go away and I’ll make no promises to tell the truth from now on. There is too much at stake to sacrifice this opportunity for the excuse of being able to die with dignity, or a sense of moral superiority.
Dying.
I am dying.
Lies.
The truth that inspires my fingers to dance these words into being:
THE END IS NEAR.
but it is not where this story begins.
This story begins with the lies:
***
I/O.
I am.
a jew.
an atheist.
defined by my beliefs.
defined by the beliefs of others.
I am a perfectly healthy human being.
I am a human being. And not falling a part.
I have
stories to tell.
a birthday.
things.
I like
baseball.
pretty girls.
myself.
men.
fireworks and french toast.
my work.
I work.
with survivors.
with computers, or circuit boards, or cables or as a TV Repair man.
with students, or other faculty, or as a professor. Professors know things.
I know things.
about politics, art and culture.
about math
about machines and how to build them…and not destroy them.
about writing. And how to be a writer.
about my own limits.
about love.
I’ve been in love.
I’ve made love
with dreams, and skin, and sweat, and blood…but not with my hands my body my words my actions.
I don’t love you anymore.
I ever did. And these feelings I call love are not a hunger.
I live.
in Seattle.
in Michigan.
in Missouri.
in Arkansas.
in Missouri.
in Southern California.
in Missouri.
in Minnesota.
in Missouri.
in Colorado.
in a house with a spouse.
on my feet in the street.
I have any idea what it means to really be alive.
But, fuck the lies, I am alive.
I am that I am.
I will be what will be.
I will never go back.
I ever could.
Ok, I’m definitely getting ahead of myself.
This is the book of truth
not lies.
But I am only beginning to scratch at the thin panel of glass standing between them.