I became Benjamin C. Roy Cory Garrett by accident, and now you can too!
The Benjamin C.ROy Cory Garrett Press Kit
By Benjamin C. Roy COry Garrett
Have you ever wanted to become Benjamin C. Roy Cory Garrett but didn’t know where to begin? Now you can! With the new, “Becoming Benjamin C. Roy Cory Garrett” press kit here right before your eyes!
How to be Benjamin C. You Cory Garrett:
- Use and misuse languagisms that are at least a decade out of date. LIke forgetting to put vowels in the word yr, capitalizing the first two letters of every seventh sentence, or saying “That was so funny I just ROLF’d all over myself.”
- Never use quotation marks unless you are implying something gross or inappropriate.
- Yes, Start most sentences either with the word “No,” or the phrase, “thank you very much,” or an emphatic head nod. Make it difficult to tell if you are agreeing or disagreeing with the previous statement, unless you are talking to an actual person.
- Speaking of speaking, NEVER speak, write or imply the word “bitch.” As a matter of fact, avoid all (hetero)sexist, racist and ablest langage that would identify you as a terrible human being. Save yr hate for systems of oppression, the people that willing propagate them, and yourself.
- DRaw lots of pictures of hands and feet. Leave them in places where they might be confused for love letters.
- Obsess over unicorns.
- You cannot lose what you have already given away, so GIVE IT AWAY girlfriend, if you dare! And if you don’t, gamble: Birthdays, birth states, pants, poems, trust, etc.
- Carry always some strange “thing” in yr pocket. PErhaps dice? Perhaps the invitation to a banana bread and molotov cocktail party from the spouse of one of your professors? Whatever “it” is (the strange-ness in your pocket) should be embarrassing to you and possibly one other person should it fall out of yr pocket at an airport or while you are being frisked entering a correctional center.
- Pockets are cool. Carry with you as many of them as possible, preferably not on your pants (those can be lost in a game of dice).
- Speaking of things carried, if you are white and especially if you are male, never every carry a firearm while becoming Benjamin C. Roy Cory Garrett. Benjamin C. Roy Cory Garrett is not a pacifist, and will not speak ill of armed insurrection, but no one will believe that you are he if you are a white man with a gun.
- SPeaking of skin, get terrible tattoos at every opportunity, the more visible the better! If anyone asks why, tell them you wanted to make sure that no one would ever sleep with you again.
- Speaking of yr love live, ALWAYS support and believe in people and the impossible. Do not give up on either (people or the impossible), but learn to listen when people tell you no. Neither people nor the impossible happen the way that you will expect and you cannot love or make love to someone you are trying to control.
- Never get caught believing in things or idea or especially places.
- VERY IMPORTANT: BOston is not real. This is not a joke and you cannot budge on yr disbelief, no natter what evidence is presented to the contrary. The easiest way to see through a Benjamin C. Roy Cory Garrett impersonator is to ask them what they think of the Boston Redsocks.
- Admit to everything.
- Never get caught.